Abstract
The process gay persons use to manage the multiple losses and cumulative grief from losing lovers, friends, colleagues and clients to AIDS was explored. Interviews with gay individuals (n=19) in a large urban area in the West provided data for conceptual coding and comparative analysis. Balancing engagement and detachment was identified as the basic social‐psychological process that described how gay individuals struggled to reach an optimal balance in their involvement in the needs of individuals and the community. Four conceptual categories were identified: dysfunctional engagement, functional engagement, functional detachment and dysfunctional detachment. These four categories occur within the contexts of previous life style and redefinition of personal values.

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