The Difference Between Feeling Defensive and Feeling Understood

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Abstract
Two studies are summarized in which respondents provided core descriptions of two key communication conditions. Communicators who are operating from the state of "defensiveness" tend to become physically tensed, discom fited, sped-up, gripped by the situation, estranged, mentally confused, and feel like striking out against the other person. "Feeling understood," on the other hand, is characterized by feeling awakened, empowered, comforted, and want ing to move toward others. When communicators feel understood, they want to reach out; when they feel defensive, they want to strike out. When they feel understood they want to do something for the other person; when they feel defensive they want to do something to the other person. These two key contrasting communication conditions have greatly different implications for message sending and receiving behaviors. The core descriptions presented have heuristic and pedagogical value.

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